I find myself wondering about my spirituality today. I wonder about my spiritual life now and how I would have been spiritually had I had a different upbringing. When I was about 5 years old I became suddenly aware of God in my life. We didn’t go to church. My mother is from a very unconventional Jewish upbringing in a Jewish Children’s home but has never pushed any religion onto my sisters and I. She always wanted us to make up our own minds about whether we believe in God or not. My father comes from a Church of England family but I have never heard a word about faith from his lips.
I went to a church playgroup of sorts – a Sunday school that was held in someone’s house on the Council estate we lived on at the time. I don’t know why my parents sent me there but I loved it and even though I was only preschool age, I absolutely adored hearing the bible stories and I do believe I fell in love with God from that time on. I then went to a Catholic infant school for a very short time before moving to a Christian infant and junior School when we moved house. My mother believed church schools offered a better education. So all the schools I went to in my young life had morning prayers and hymns and bible stories. God always came alive for me at those times. And when I went to High school my favourite subject was religious education. I was introduced to a Baptist church for a little while by a school friend and it was scary for me as it was the first time I had ever been to church but something was certainly stirred in me at that time – some may say the Holy Spirit was beginning to awaken me.
To me there was never any doubt that God was always a force of love and creation and Jesus his human expression on Earth. I remember thinking at a very young age that I wanted to be a nun. So if I had been brought up in a Catholic household, perhaps I would have been. And maybe if I had been brought up in a Buddhist household I would have become a Buddhist Nun. Then again if I had been brought up in a Jewish household maybe I would have wanted to be a rabbi or would have gone to live on a Kibbutz. I did toy with the idea in my early teens when I was going through my Jewish phase. Later on when I had grown up and separated from my husband I really became heavily involved in and influenced by New-age beliefs, especially crystals, tarot, runes and dreams, before returning to the church and being baptised in the sea in Pevensey Bay – the little sea-side village I was living in at the time.
That was well over 10 years ago now and once again I find myself not sure which “religion” to call myself. And I suppose that makes sense, because I am not a religious person – I am a spiritual person. Many paths and words of ancient wisdom have influenced my journey. But I know that God is the most important thing in my life and it is only me, where I am in my life right now who can hear what is being whispered on the wind. It finds its way into my heart and into my very soul! God is real. He speaks to me through my art, through my children, through my dreams. I feel him in the salty sea air and the light of the sun, moon and stars. I feel myself wanting to sing praises to him for being so present in love in all its universal expressions. I picture his love radiating like waves, like ripples, from creation out into the infinity of existence. And he is so wonderful, so beautiful, so awesome to me. But also he is not a “he” and I am becoming more and more aware of that as the days go by. God is not definable in human terms because God is not human. We are just one tiny little piece of his expression of creative love and we can never, ever hope to understand the mind of God. And because God is not definable in human terms, because we, in human form have trouble trying to understand God, he manifested his power in human terms for us so that we could come to an understanding of his power, through Jesus Christ.
We are but an infinitesimal little idea living in a dream, perhaps God’s dream, or is he our dream? Or is dream just another word for part of the universal consciousness experienced by all conscious life? Perhaps everything is dream, even what we perceive as reality. Perhaps everything is just a concept in the mind of pure consciousness itself – and space and everything we think of as real is just a great, immense mind churning out possibilities, universes, realities, dimensions enclosed within the most infinite, intangible dimension of all – God! Who is God? The source of everything and the architect of everything! He is love, light, life, time…and when we die we return home to that source, to be in his infinite presence.
However, we cannot take darkness into his light. We cannot take fear and anger into his love and peace and we cannot take the decay and horror of death on into eternal life. We must reject all of that negativity, all the sin that comes from the darkness in our lives. And that is why I love Jesus, because I believe Jesus came to rid us of all of that. He came to take all that sin into himself, wash it away with his blood. Renounce darkness and fear and the negative energy that comes with it. Jesus is that expression of God’s infinite love, born on Earth in such a way that the demons, who live in the darkness and fear, far away from God’s love and power in heaven, would be challenged and held back when they try and keep us from his love and that source of his love in heaven. So I will continue to worship him and thank Jesus daily for saving me from that darkness. I will continue to be inspired by his creation and express that in my art and awed by his mysteries that we come so close to understanding through the scientific principles we see in our everyday lives . And when my time comes I will ask God to open up his gates so that I can walk in free to live in his light, forever, praising his infinite love and awesome power.
Until then I will continue to try and walk in the light on Earth. Live my life by the principles of love and remember to reflect those positive characteristics I see mirrored in life that will remind me of who I want to be; all those positive attributes that I admire in others, my friends and family, those that have done good works and studied God’s mysteries through philosophy and science, religious teachers and spiritual warriors but especially Jesus Christ. I will strive to remain full of wonder, live with vision, ever hopeful, be as humble as I can, express compassion in the light of others’ journeys, be joyful in those moments of happiness with others, serve in any small way that I am able, be forgiving as often as I must, try not to judge others as we are all weak in our humanity, keep trying to the best of my strength and ability, staying true to myself and remember that all things are possible through love, faith, hope and humility.
Join me in the garden and let’s bring love and light to the world.